Hi friends! I'm writing you from the comfort of my home in the Bay. I thought I'd write a few reflections on my first semester of medical school at the Carver College of Medicine just so I can remember my journey later down the road.
The saying goes, "Once you're in medical school, they don't want you to fail. You're an investment. They'll get you through it." To premeds, the goal is to get into med school, and it's supposed to be smooth sailing from there. I found out the hard way that there IS such thing as failure, and it is something that I will
probably be reacquainted with time and time again.
I honestly didn't expect medical school to be so difficult! Or, at least, I thought I would come in as one of 40 out-of-staters in my class and be stiff competition to Iowan classmates. It's not the most humble thought. It's JUST Iowa, right? I learned very early that I was wrong. I thought I studied a lot at Berkeley, but Carver College took it to a whole other level. If I could put a quantity on the intensity, duration, and focus of studying, I'd say I now study 3 to 4 times more than I did in college. Some of my classmates don't study at all and breeze through exams with top grades.
It was frustrating because something just didn't click with me. I thought I could
transplant easily to the Midwest and have a fresh start, but it was rougher than I thought. I was far, far away from home for the first time in my life. I was going back to school after working for more than a year. I was coming out of a relationship. I was moving to a place that has very little cultural heterogeneity. I went home every after school and cried. I never allowed myself more than five minutes to dry my tears though, because I had to study. If I could sum up the academic aspect of medical school so far in one sentence, it would be, "I've never studied so hard to do so poorly in my life." The emotional/mental summary would be, "Med school is one of the loneliest, most isolating things I've ever experienced."
From the very beginning, I found a small group of good friends. We complain to each other all the time. But we also make time for one fun thing per week, and try to keep each other sane. It just so happens that I have made almost no close girlfriends, and most of the guys I hang out with are originally from California. I also joined the Christian fellowship at school, attend worship night one evening per week, and I found an awesome church that I hope to get more plugged into. That's about all the "extra" stuff that I do. Nothing else. It seems unbalanced to me at times, but then I have to remind myself that I'm doing the best I can.
And then there was the
Month of Sickness. I got bronchitis in early November and recovered after Thanksgiving break. I'm at about 95% right now, but am still taking one inhaled steroid daily. The difference between studying in December and studying in November is like a blindfold and gag lifted. I honestly can't even remember much of November because of my drug-induced state (I watched a recorded patient interview and said aloud, "Wow, I said
what?"). When I returned back to school after Thanksgiving, the most common comment I received was, "Wow! You look and sound like a human being again." I cherish my health and thank God for it everyday. November was the worst month academically for me, which put much more pressure to do well on my finals.
Regarding my
biochem final that I told you about in my last post--I've never been so anxious about a test before--not even the MCAT (which, unlike med school, you can take multiple times with no penalty). This was my last hurdle of the semester, and my worst subject. If I could draw my own blood and measure the cortisol hormone levels, I'm sure they would've been through the roof. Every night I prayed I wouldn't fail and have to remediate over summer break (a very real, historically probable event). I was so jealous of my classmates who passed the course without even taking the final. They hosted Christmas parties and did fun things while I sat in a classroom, furiously memorizing any detail my brain would accept. Luckily, my friends helped me through it with donuts, coffee, shoulder massages, and lots of encouragement. I know that there are bigger things in life than just a biochemistry exam, and I tried to balance my self-absorption with thoughts about my friends at home, their families, and things going on in the world. It's tough to keep perspective you might possibly spend your ONLY summer in med school on repeating a hellish class that makes you miserable.
At 1:30am before our 8am final, T drove me home safely in freezing rain (the most hazardous of all weather conditions). I slept uneasily until 6am, put on a pot of stronger-than-usual french press coffee, and reviewed what I had learned over several days. I felt ready! The test was 35 multiple-choice questions over 3 hours. I worked at a brisk pace and finished it in 20 minutes. Then I double-triple-quadruple checked over the next hour, counting my "confident" answers to make sure I had at least the 18 points that I needed to pass the class with a Marginal Pass (70%) and 23 points that I needed to Pass with 73%. I was confident on at least 25 questions, but still couldn't breathe until the key was posted. Turns out I got 32/35 right! I jumped up and down in my apartment and screamed and did all sorts of silly things...which was actually a bigger reaction than even getting into medical school. And that's how I officially passed my first semester at UIowa. Maybe not with flying colors like I'd once hoped, but I did the best in my circumstances. Praise the Lord! He made a way when I didn't think there was one.
Which brings me to now. It's Christmas today! What a great reminder that Jesus' birth means hope and redemption for me. It means that great things can start small, and miracles do happen. I'm going to spend the season re-evaluating the important things in my life, and reminding myself to hang onto them when things get tough again next semester (and for the next 3.5 years). But God is good, all the time! I know I won't need to get through it alone.
I'm grateful for you reading this blog post! Thanks for being my invisible supporters. Merry Christmas!
