Feeling dry

A friend approached me gently the other day and said he'd been noticing a change in my personality in these last months. He wanted to ask if everything was okay. I wasn't sure how to respond, mostly because he's right.

I've been withdrawn, uninterested, unmotivated, and generally unhappy.

I told him that it's just me needing alone time. I'm with patients and doctors all day, everyday...it gets me so exhausted as an introvert. I spend all my energy trying to please my superiors and figure out how to be scrutinized every minute...I just need alone time. I'm fine.

He accepted what I said, but I could tell he didn't buy it completely.

To be honest, I don't know what it is. I am doing what I knew I was called to. I am doing meaningful work. I am making a difference in patients...even though I spend far more time worrying about the order of my presentations to attendings than about the well-being of patients. I spend more time typing notes on the computer than with patients.

I haven't thought about the future in a while. I don't look forward to anything. I have lots going on for me, but I haven't been able to find peace in my heart.


So...what I'm saying is, it's possible that I'm depressed.