School Life Balance

I just hung up the phone from a 3-hour conversation I had. It wasn't with a friend or family member. It was with an incumbent of a student government committee chair that I wanted to run for. Yes, student government still exists in med school. No, I never did that in high school. Yes, I'm super involved with committees and organizations here at school. It's kind of weird.

There were times during the conversation where I couldn't breathe. I thought I wanted the position for its far-reaching impact. I thought I wanted it because it's important to facilitate conversations regarding student needs and diversity goals.

I pride myself on being able to take on a lot. My classmates joke that I always have 3-5 programs running in the background. Because I do. I'm always organizing something, putting on some program, serving on some committee, volunteering for something, designing something for something, participating in something, and man why do I keep looking for more to put on my plate?!

One question I got last week was, "So...when do you even study?" 

The point of my story is, I spent 3 hours talking on the phone about about a position. Most of my conversations with my parents last less than 30 minutes, once a week. I never initiate lunches or dinners with friends because my schedule is PACKED to the brim with student org stuff. Snapchat has unfortunately become my preferred method of communication, for its convenient bursts and forgettable messages because it means I can move on quickly.

My head has been swimming these last days about how I can DO MORE in my M3 year. As if getting pimped all day in the clinics and studying all night wouldn't be enough for me. I'm greedy like that. I think that I'm invincible and that I can study as much as everyone, but do more than everyone else by cutting the non-essentials out of my life: friends, cooking food, going out, eating not in front of a computer, exercising regularly (I mostly just run from meeting to meeting). Non-essentials. That's right. Not normal. Not sanity-preserving. Not healthy at all. I think I've had a stress headache for a month now, and I've gained and lost and gained and lost at least 12 pounds while in school.

So as I was writing my paragraph nomination, I couldn't think of a single reason I wanted to be the chairperson. Not a one. What I did think about was how great it would be to come home and not have to plan next week's event. How glorious it would be if I could sit outside in the sunshine for 30 minutes instead of at a meeting. How freeing it must be to not have flyers and sponsorships hanging over your head while you try to study (relearn? learn?!) neuro.

So I wrote back to the person that I'd just talked to for 3 hours and the dean who nominated me, and said "Sorry. I don't think I'm the person for this." I think I've disappointed everyone who had pinned their hopes and dreams onto me. But I have to live at least a little bit, right?