This week has been extremely emotional

Leaving home was as hard as I thought it would be, and then some.


My mom flew back to SF on Monday after spending a week on the road and helping me settle in. Saying goodbye was two-part: the first was a talk about life at a nearby coffee shop in which we held hands and wept (we never do things like this). The second was lunch at the airport in which neither of us ate anything and tried not to cry. It didn't matter that we stood by the security checkpoint for what seemed like hours, because it only takes about ten minutes to get from parking lot to flight gate at Cedar Rapids Airport (CID). I wrote her a card for the flight home, and she left me with a long list of things to remember ("health first") and a red lipstick stain on my cheek.


Today was my last day with my dad. He has been around in Iowa since we got here, visiting old friends from his alma mater and staying with Aunt Vickie and Uncle Byron 100 miles away. He stayed for my white coat ceremony even though his own school year starts on Monday. I knew that my dad was having a hard time this morning when he picked me up at my apartment, since he kept clearing his throat and talking in a strained, deeper voice. In his Dad way, he made sure that we filled up my gas tank before he left, got a car wash, and went over topping off fluids for the car one last time. He walked me back to my car after getting his boarding pass (since you can do things like that at CID) and insisted on seeing me off. So I drove slowly until he could no longer walk alongside me. I said one last goodbye to my dad in the rear view mirror, and cried the entire drive home on unfamiliar highways through the countryside.


For the first time in two years, I'm on my own again. Only, this time, it seems that nothing is familiar. I need to learn how to drive on highways with 75 MPH speed limits (most people go at least 85-90 by my guess), how to be single, how to use a Mac, how to drive in snow, how to ride a bus system that isn't Muni or BART or SamTrans, how to make friends with people who don't look like me, how to become a doctor. I guess I haven't thought much about that last one, since I've been so preoccupied with everything else. I've spent so much time thinking about what it would be like to finally get to this point in my life, that I don't really remember why I'm here...


But through the transition from big city to small town, God has been so faithful. He's provided me with a loving family and family-away-from-home whose support I'm able to appreciate more now.  When I was stressing about unexpected expenses this semester, I found out that my rent has been paid for the rest of the year. I cried when I heard that, for the fiftieth time this week. I'll most likely be able to go home for Thanksgiving now, since we get 9 days off. How is it that I'm on the receiving end of so much goodness when I am so undeserving? These are the things that I want to remember when I become a doctor four years from now. These are the things that I promise to pay forward.