Worth It

The main thing I've been grappling with in this season of my life is whether something is "worth it." How can you ever be sure that something is, or isn't? There must be some leap of faith however small in deciding that the lightly-used textbook is a better value than a brand-new rental, that waiting for the jeans to go on sale is a better idea, that the sandwich tastes like it should cost $6.49. Even if you make a quick mental list weighing the pros and cons, these are decisions you can walk away from with a nod of satisfaction because the benefits conferred are immediate, assuring, tangible.

But things are different when the future is involved. Many decisions that I've made in the last year have become hard to swallow at one point or another, and I'm left defenseless against the debilitating attacks of self-doubt and other-opinions. I'm pressed on all sides by questions:

"How much studying do I really need for the MCAT?"
"Is doing this pre-health certificate program the right decision? Is it worth my parents' thousands of dollars, my year of time and effort?"
"Is being in a relationship growing me, challenging me, and coming at a right time?"
"Is God affirming my gifts, passions, and convictions, or am I supposed to go down a different path in life?" 

They all boil down to, "Is it worth it?" These questions have haunted me since leaving the comforts of college. (Strange that I should call my tiny urban apartment and jam-packed undergrad schedules comfortable, but oh, how they were compared to my large suburban house and sparse program schedule.) Somehow being in college exempted me from answering these questions honestly, from preparing myself for changing seasons, and from disapproving parental frowns. My discouragement is no longer buffered by thoughts of "better luck next time." There is more at stake now.

So, is any of this worth it? I don't know. The goals that I am trying to achieve haven't yet been realized, so I couldn't tell you. But even then, if by God's will I've achieved them all, will I look back in old age to identify that one day that I stayed home in sweatpants to study instead of celebrating New Years 2012 as the turning point? Probably not. But my mind tends to gravitate towards these scenarios anyway, and the worst part about is the crushing pressure that prevents fully living in the present. D tries to get me to calm down and take things one step at a time. "Your task right now is to go to sleep," he says. It's so simple, and yet there was a string of five torturous days in which I couldn't even do that because I was too fixated on the future. I need constant reminders that these goals I have for myself are miniscule in the scheme of things, and God has a different definition of worth. His kind of worth is not measured in dollars or MCAT scores or medical school acceptances, as occupied as I am with these things in the present.

Maybe Paul said it best to the Corinthians: We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed...Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.