On relationships (or lack thereof)

[written three weeks ago]

"I assumed that if you wanted a boyfriend, you would have had one by now..."

At Fall Conference, when asked the question, "What's dead in your life?" I wrote down one thing: Trust for men.

You've probably heard me say things like I prefer singleness to ever getting married. I've most likely announced it time and time again, to the rolling eyes and exasperated sighs of my friends. One friend of mine even wagered that I would be one of the first to get married. I was a little taken aback. Is it my years and years of experience teaching children, my penchant for baking and spoiling people, my doting, motherly nature? I can see why people would think that.

My excuse is usually busyness, as in "I don't have time for a boyfriend." This is what I've instructed my parents to tell their inquiring friends with bachelor sons about their nice, talented, you xiu, UC Berkeley-educated daughter. Every time my parents ask if boys are interested in me, I say no and give the same excuse. The last time I overheard my mom on the phone with someone, I sensed a hint of sadness. She's getting worried for me, I know it.

It's not entirely true that I'm "too busy." Even though I have an awesomely packed schedule that has me seeing dawn every morning, I still make time for people. I make time for things that matter to me. I suppose a dating relationship wouldn't be any different.

Another popular reasoning in my mind is that I like the independence that singleness affords. I like not having my mood hinge on one person. I like being able to do things on my own all day without having to be in accord with someone else's schedule. I like going to bed in a timely manner without the need to talk to someone every single day, or feeling guilty if I don't. Most of all, I like pursuing my ambitions without someone saying to me, "You're going to be in med school for a long time, and I don't think I can wait for you."

Having been in a three-year long relationship, I can say that the last paragraph is based on personal experience. Something about it just brought out the worst in me. Although we were both Christians, I didn't like who I was when I was with him. I struggled so much with jealousy, lust, body image, dishonesty, long-distance, insecurities, cultural barriers, guilt, familial disapproval...it goes on and on. Eventually, it destroyed our relationship. Part of my not wanting a relationship is that I don't want to go through all that stuff again. I've been guarding my heart with all my might.

Anyways, all that is sad and whatnot, but I have grown a lot from this experience. I wouldn't be the same person now if I hadn't gone through the trials, joys, and heartbreak. I don't think I could have invested as much in my fellowship, in my friendships, in my studies had I been in a relationship. So I'm thankful that my singleness has been a gift, and that I've been able to use it well.

But okay, what about God making us for relationships? Ever hear of the term "relational beings"? No? You must not be in IV then. Just kidding. But that's what we are--we crave love and relationships, and marriage is the ultimate perfect union between man, woman, and God. I've led many a Bible study about "wives submitting to husbands," "it is not good for man to be alone," "therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." I know these are supposed to be good things. Marriage is supposed to be a good thing. I'm slowly learning to believe this can be true for myself, in the future.

I know now that by saying I never want to get married is to deny the fact that I don't trust God in this relationship business. My words and thoughts have been poisoned by my past damaged, unhealthy, fragile relationship. This is what's been dead in my life, and I've been praying that God would revive it. I think he has been answering with small hints. He has shown me tastes of what good relationships could be like, given me brothers that exhibit honorable, Christ-like characters, softening my heart, restoring my ability to trust people (men), and bringing down my walls.

So okay, I need you to help keep me accountable on these things. I'm going to try refraining from saying things like "I want to be single forever" anymore. But that doesn't mean I'm looking. It just means I'm open to the idea of a relationship/marriage...in the (distant) future. :)