Learning how to say goodbye

I was conflicted during the making of this post, because saying goodbye is not something that I can seem to do with satisfactory closure. It's never enough to hug, to cry, to mumble words of appreciation and assurances of continued friendship. At least, not for me. Which is why I'm glad that I've also had the privilege of praying for those leaving.

Then I thought about making this into a it's-not-really-the-end, let's-talk-about-happy-memories-instead post, but I don't think a bunch of photos would suffice. I could talk about happy memories, for there are so many of them. Times I've gotten to spend with people have been so, so good. The depth of conversation, comfort of understanding, sharing of thoughts, indulging in whims, willingness to just be present and enjoy each other. Those have truly been blessings.

But that wouldn't do the nature of goodbye justice. You can't just have the happy without the sad, or the beginning without the end.

What I'm trying to say is, I don't know how to say goodbye. I don't know what goodbye entails. I just know that for those you hold dear, it's heart-wrenching every single time. Sometimes you find yourself curled in a ball in the hallway of your freshman dorm, bawling uncontrollably. Sometimes you catch yourself walking to a familiar hangout, not realizing that the person you want to see won't be there.

I haven't yet figured out the secret to recuperating from such things. I suppose we could just let experiences and memories fade into background noise, so the rawness of separation wouldn't sting as fiercely upon reminiscence. Or, we could acknowledge that the people we love have come and gone, but have left us with their quirks, mannerisms, and maybe even taught us more about love and understanding. This all sounds incredibly Hallmark-y to me, and so I'll stop pretending to know what I'm talking about.

I've never said bye to so many people I care so deeply about all at once, so please forgive me if I seem distant or uninterested in stuff. It's really nothing personal. I'm just learning how to say goodbye, still.